Entry 7: RE: "MIB3" - Just to Be "Clear" Pt. 2

Posted by: Bradley Redder

It's not the water in the toilet that I'd be concerned about... It's the bowl itself. The water may be clean going in, but once it has sat there festering in whatever germination and bacteria have settled on the porcelain after who knows how many bare asses have squatted down to mercilessly loose their demonoid bowels into the frail bowl, this so-called "dish-ware" with the "clean" water in it, I don't know if I'd be so quick to protect my sugary $0.49 investment. I sometimes feel icky just letting my precious urine touch it, let alone eat something that fell in for even a fraction of a second. But hey, just as you're free to love Men in Black 3, you're free to eat whatever from wherever.

Entry 6: RE: "MIB3" - Men in Black-Hole

Posted by: Bradley Redder

Oh, how I'd just love to keep up the absurd ruse that you secretly adored this film, but given that this will likely be the last word on the matter of the profoundly dull MIBIII, in consideration with your comments, I'll pack it in and assure the zero people that actually believed anything I said that you did not like the film.  In fact, the real text I got was "If you like Men in Black 3, we can no longer be friends."

As for me entertaining myself, years of alcoholic parentage and being left alone for days at a time with nothing but a broken comb and rusty razorblades, building forts out empty cigarette cartons and defending Marlboro Manor from the genetically enhanced rat infestation have hardened me against the forces of boredom. Have you ever sipped the toxic green blood from the skull of the rat-king after successfully defending an attack on the South Wall? I highly doubt it, because I don't think you'd have been such a Grumpy Gus when it came to my little fiction, and it's a shame because I had such grand plans for future posts, dozens of witty replies at the ready, but Noooooo... Chad can't be bothered to indulge in my harmless, little ploy.

That aside, you are absolutely right: MIBIII is $230 million gift wrap for nothing but air. There is absolutely nothing to it, so much of nothing that I was willing to forego my week's shenanigans to make sure that point is clear. I still can't even believe you included a plot summary in your review... How arduous that must have been trying to come up with three lines of actual description for this void. And yes, it is stuck in that state between being at all praiseworthy and at all bad enough to passionately take down, so perhaps you understand why I resorted to fabricating a reality in which you loved it... I had to do something to pass this week without wanting to rip the keys off of my laptop.

Entry 5: RE: "MIB3" - Just to be clear...

Posted by Chad Van Alstin

I don't consume things that fall into the toilet; however, I still say the five second rule applies. That's mostly clean water in there. You can probably eat a fallen lollipop without getting sick.

Entry 4: RE "MIB3" - Bored.

Posted by Chad Van Alstin

Your long-winded post contains a lot of words, but very little content. I think your rambling is evidence of just how little there is to talk about with Men in Black 3.  It's also evidence of your innate ability to entertain yourself.

At least you're incredibly creative about it. Nice work. Very original.

And you're very creative.

There is no real depth to Men in Black 3 worth discussing, and I'm finding it very difficult to put together a reply to this thread. Not only because you seem content on just talking to yourself, but because this film is just so bland.

I sat here attempting to force a reply to what you wrote, but it's very difficult to come up with anything to say. While I at first decided to blame you solely for this, I came to realize my apathy is just the best way to deal with a film with such little content.

There's nothing in Men in Black 3 worth caring about, and there's nothing in the film that really stands out in my mind as being worthy of analysis. Men in Black 3 is a forgettable experience, destined to be buried in the bargain bin of mediocrity. I almost wish that it were a worse film, since then it would be at least easy to trash is.

Sadly, since everything about this movie sits just below average, it falls into this strange paradox where it's hard to hate it, but even harder to love it. It was a waste of $10 that would have been better spent drinking, or maybe purchasing a Slinky.

Entry 3: RE: "MIB3" - Henry David Thoroughly Genius

Posted by: Bradley Redder

Hmm... I remain unconvinced. All I got from your post was that you have a crush on Josh Brolin and you seem to think it's okay to eat things out of the toilet... Or were you just listing things that you think you have in common with my dog? Charles Barkley (or as my neighbors call him, "The Round Mound of Rehound"), sometimes eats stuff out of the toilet, but he doesn't actually like Josh Brolin that much... It was just coincidence that he was licking the screen that one time when you walked in on me watching that American Gangster DVD featurette.

Why do you keep insisting in your posts that you didn't like this movie when you keep sending me these texts waxing on about how great it was? I want to focus on this part of last-night's segment of your serialized dissertation, when you were discussing the impeccability of the time-travel aspects of the film, "...where most ofther [sic] time travel movies are so completely reckless in their depcition [sic] of the lasting effects of actions carried out in THe past... as if you could kill time without injuring eternity. men in black 3  makes sure it gets everything right, down to the letter".

I thought that phrase about killing time and injuring eternity was so strange for you to use, and then I realized I'd heard it before, in Henry David Thoreau's Walden. Do you really think it was necessary to invoke Thoreau to make a point about this silly little movie? And the time-travel plot is so dry in it anyway. I don't know what you liked so much about it. I will admit that Michael Stuhlbarg's character, Griffin, is one of the more interesting ones in the film, but his schtick got old pretty quickly, especially once I realized that it wasn't really going anywhere. For those who haven't seen the film, or who fell asleep, Griffin holds the arcnet that J and K are looking for, and is a being who is aware of every timeline in existence, though he is perpetually unsure which timeline is actually playing out "presently." It's an interesting idea, I'll admit, to see someone aware of every detail of every potential outcome to a situation, but for me it also trivialized everything I was watching and might have even unwrapped itself in the end.

Griffin floats through every scene with an almost apathetic nonchalance, pointing out what might happen, depending on which timeline they're in at the "moment." But the rest of the characters, as well as Barry Sonnenfeld in his direction, make everything that's happening seem so imperative, like it matters, even after we're told that a timeline does exist in which K dies, another in which the world blows up, etc. This begs the question, why does it matter what I'm watching? In the universe of the film nothing essentially matters... If J saves K and they get the arcnet up, I guess that's cool, but it still leaves open the idea that in a parallel universe, K died, and the Bocclorettians (or whatever they're called) invade Earth and take over, so the suspense of the film is basically which timeline Sonnenfeld is going to show me. It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, only I don't actually get to choose the adventure. Instead I watch the least interesting version of the potential story contained within the pages. I can't believe you loved the time-travel so much. It just seemed like it created a silly rule that didn't really hold up under any scrutiny, and everyone just went with it. To also quote your friend, Henry, and his book, Walden, that you like so much, "Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it." What do you have to say for yourself? And please don't pretend like you didn't say any of this.

Entry 2: RE: "MIB3" - It Puts Me to "Sleep".

Posted by: Chad Van Alstin

Stop with your lies! I really didn't like this film at all. Since you are so important as to need two full posts worth of information, I'm only going to pick one thing to respond to for now -- Josh Brolin.

My finding value in his performance is like dropping a lollipop in the toilet -- you can still enjoy it, but really you're only making the best of a bad situation. Brolin is doing a pretty damn good impression of Tommy Lee Jones, and that's about as far as the praise goes.

He's a good actor. And the cast in this film is full of talent; however, even the few moments where they all shine can't make this a good film. I still just think it's important to point out the positive aspects of a film, assuming there are any.

I did forget to mention the Andy Worhol scene, and I'm glad you brought it up in your review. I found this scene to be rather funny. However, it all seemed like a gag fit for another film. it didn't really fit into the plot at all. Still, I find the work of Andy Worhol to be  pretentious -- pseudo-intellectual -- crap, and I laughed during this sequence. 

Still, these moments of decent comedy are few and far between. Most of the jokes seem to stem from the personality of Boris the Animal who, unlike you, I don't take seriously at all; his mannerisms just wear on me rather quickly.

Tommy Lee Jones Interview

I stumbled upon this interview with Tommy Lee Jones while looking for the source of a quote on Wikipedia, where he said about the possibility of a fourth (Please no) film in the franchise, "It's easy to pick up where we left off. We know what we are doing, we know hoe to do it. It's just a hell of a lot of fun."

From the first time I saw the trailer for Men in Black 3, I thought for sure that Tommy Lee Jones said he didn't want to do it, so they figured out a way to minimize his part. Chad mentioned in his review a similar feeling, and this has to be evidence that Jones had no desire to do a third Men in Black. Though Jones' lack of interest could possibly be the result of being asked what may be the worst set of questions imaginable.

Entry 1: RE: "MIB3" - A Mid-Summer Movie's Dream

Posted by: Bradley Redder

Well! What a change of tune! I was not expecting you to blast this movie so hard; when you walked out of it a few days ago and sent me a barrage of texts detailing how much you enjoyed it, I was sure you'd rate it at least three stars. I know that I've never said "It's brilliant science fiction with a hint of Shakespearean father-son tension that resolves in one of the sweetest moments on screen in years" about a movie and then turned around and gave it a star and a half. What changed since then? Did you sneak a peak at my review when it was still in draft yesterday and get worried that your comments were a bit over-the-top, get panicked and temper your praise for my sake? Please don't... You really don't have to do that; all opinions are welcome here. Maybe you saw something in it that I didn't. I'd certainly like you to delve more into your extensive comparison between this and the 19th century Transcendentalist movement... I just didn't see it.

In all seriousness, I honestly didn't see much to praise about Boris the Animal, which seems to be what you liked most. To me he felt a little too serious. He wasn't goofy enough for this ridiculous plot, and I didn't see any tongue-in-cheek in the performance, either. That's not a knock on Jemaine Clement (who I've really liked in everything I've seen him in); I actually didn't even know that was him until after the film, because he seems to just be covered in costume and CGI, preventing anything real from coming through. I'll agree on Josh Brolin, though. He did do a great Tommy Lee Jones impression, but I'm not sure how far that compliment goes in the context of the film, considering that that's kind of all it was.

Brolin seems to be the reason this film is being received fairly well, and I don't really understand it. Even if he was good, the rest of the film is so blank... I literally did gasp when I saw how much money was spent on it, and I do feel that there is a lot of talent involved that all seem to have forgotten to go with their collective gut on what is charming, clever, and funny, because MIBIII is seriously lacking in each of those in every way. It doesn't even take advantage of its time-travel premise all that well. It might have been interesting to see comparatively low-tech 60s high-tech MIB devices, but instead, Sonnenfeld seems to have followed the logic that a sequel has to be bigger rather than that of an earlier time means smaller, but then again, when someone throws an ungodly amount of money at you to make this movie, what choice do you have? What were those silly gyro-cycle thingies we both found to be the source of the most awkward and embarrassing Men in Black 3 promo photos on the Internet?

Full disclosure: I dozed off for about seven or eight minutes in the middle of this thing, and I didn't feel like waiting around a half hour to catch the minutes I missed at another screening at the theater. It was about forty minutes in and I wasn't enjoying the film very much, and then I decided that I was just going to let go of any expectations I might have brought in with me and just try to enjoy the film for what it is... No more than four minutes later I was sleeping, so I missed everything from the Coney Island fight to young K interrogating J. I came to as J was being loaded into the big neuralizer tube.

Did I miss anything important, maybe some of those Shakespeare scenes? Can you fill me in on what I slept through? Actually, never mind... Don't tell me. I think that in my dream state the film's most repeated line may have penetrated some inner-region of my brain, so I'll just refrain from asking questions I don't want to know the answers to.

Chad's Take: "Men in Black 3" - 1.5 Stars

When I arrived at the theater to see Men in Black 3, memories of the first film were at the forefront of my mind. However, I can't remember much about the second film at all. Where the first movie was a clever mix of action and comedy, the second film was just a collection of silly moments, none of which are funny enough to be very memorable.

I'm sad to say that the third film is no different. Men in Black 3 seems like one outrageous moment after another, connected by a story that is less than interesting.

A space villain, Boris the Animal (Jemaine Clement), has broken out of prison and seeks vengeance against his arresting officer, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones). Boris travels back in time and kills a younger Agent K (Josh Brolin), which dooms all of mankind to a destruction by alien warships.

If you're confused, I apologize. I'm doing my very best to describe the plot as accurately as possible.

Will Smith reprises his role as Agent J, who also travels back in time to thwart Boris' plan. This whole time travel gimmick seems like a decent way to write Tommy Lee Jones out of the movie, since most of the film will feature Will Smith partnered up with Josh Brolin. It's rather strange to see Jones receive top billing; his screen time is quite limited.

Brad's Take: Men in Black 3 - *1/2

It's late. Much later than my normal review-writing time, and I'm tired, almost as tired of being awake as I am of thinking about Men in Black. Why is it so late? Because I've been sitting here staring at my computer, turning over in my mind the idea of posting the lyrics to Will Smith's theme song to the original Men in Black instead of writing an actual review. On the one hand, I think it would perfectly reflect my feelings on a film which doesn't really demonstrate any more effort beyond cutting and pasting something from somewhere else and calling it a night. But I'm not sure the statement would be effective without a thorough explanation even longer than this one, and it might put me in the position in which I'd come off as the asshole, rather than the team that led to me handing over fourteen hard-earned dollars to see this slop. It doesn't even have the integrity to be really awful, so that I could at least throw out some adjectives with a little emotion behind them. Nope. Instead it's just the hollow corpse of a once-clever and imaginative film.

I'm not too sure what Men in Black 3, or as I like to type it, MIBIII, is about, which is an eensie bit depressing considering how much time I have to imagine writer Etan Cohen spent developing the story for this overstuffed, undercooked turkey. He takes the modern approach to film comedy of creating such an overwhelmingly convoluted plot scenario that it just pounds the audience into submission trying to follow it that they don't even realize that almost none of it is funny. MIBIII seems to fancy itself more of a sci-fi film than a comedy, which would be fine if it raised any interesting quandaries worth pondering longer than it takes to say the name of the film's villain alien race, something like "Vocclorettabillunozenbrout." Wait... No, the simplicity of its ideas force me to the conclusion that it couldn't have been that long, but I remember it being equally nonsensical.

This leaves the film in that criminal territory of ridiculously over-budgeted comedy at (GASP!) $215 million. Money can't buy happiness, or humor apparently. MIBIII reeks of talented people who have simply lost their instinct for what is fun, or funny, and as a result, the film flounders haplessly, desperately grabbing onto anything that might lead to a laugh, and it's twisty time-travel plot means that what they get hold of is (Surprise!) historical anachronisms and a re-imagining of some historical figures and events. And aside from a scene where Bill Hader portrays Andy Warhol as an undercover agent who thinks his work is pretentious garbage, it all feels (Surprise!) as stale as you'd expect a sequel to Men in Black 2 to be, or as I like to type it, as MIBII II B. (In the interest of paralleling MIBIII's hackiness, I'll say that) I wish a man in black would have neuralized me after I walked out of the theater!

This Week's Movie - 5/28-6/3

Posted by: Bradley Redder

Men in Black 3

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld

Written by Etan Cohen

Starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Alice Eve, Emma Thomson, Bill Hader

A big thank you to Tom Kaminski, who stepped in on extremely short notice last week for The Grey. A different perspective and valuable comments were much appreciated, especially when we asked him to do it at around midnight last Sunday.

And apologies to you for again posting this around, uh, midnight Sunday night, the announcement of our week's discussion topic, the unasked-for sequel to the unasked-for sequel to 1997's Men in Black. Chad is back, and, umm, uhhhh, ooh geez, mmmmm-WE'RE NOT EXPECTING MUCH! Phew... There, I said it. Trailer below, discussion all week...