If there's one compliment I can absolutely give to Tim Burton concerning the sometimes visually enchanting but ultimately flat Dark Shadows, it's that at least it isn't this...
So bravo to whoever talked him down from caking more make-up onto Johnny Depp, and to Tim Burton for what I'm sure was a tough decision to demonstrate any level of reserve in the matter. I really do appreciate it.
I noticed that in addition to having nearly identical reviews, we both also chose the two photos available on Google that show the startled, confused, wide-eyed look that Depp seems to give throughout the film. I don't know about you, but I selected that because I imagine that to be the look on my own face while watching most of Dark Shadows. What was this supposed to be? I'll agree with you on the prologue... Could have been a great start to a different film, but then we go to present day where Burton sets this up as a comedy and yet has Depp's Barnabas randomly murdering people. I never really settled into it, though even if he had established and controlled the tone, I'm sure I would have still been left floundering by his meandering approach to narrative. It was as if he adapted one scene from thirty-five different episodes of the TV series and just mashed them together in no discernible order.
And is my lack of interest in recent characters just a phase I'm going through on my own? What is going on? Am I becoming apathetic or are movies just not delivering the goods? Who are these people, and why should I care about anything they do? Barnabas is interesting as long as he's trying to figure out the modern world, but when he figures it out all too quickly, but then still has trouble sometimes when it's convenient, he's pretty boring. Michelle Pfeiffer's character is all but useless, more of a plot device than anything else. And why waste Chloe Moretz with this trash? She was able to pull off a phenomenal wicked goth vampire in Matt Reeves' Let Me In a few years ago, so why not give her more to do than dance around to period rock songs and morph into a werewolf in the end and give the weirdest line reading so far this year... "Yeah, I'm a wolf. Deal with it... Woof!" And all in close-up! Yikes.
I will say Eva Green gets to have some fun as a witch or something, delivering her lines with mischievous delight, especially when she starts calling the basket case five year-old a little bastard at the end while trying to kill him. I had no idea the film was going to go that far off the rails in the final twenty minutes, misfiring in just about every way, but at least Eva was able to contribute some malicious laughs, and some cleavage (Joss Whedon, take note). But I'm giving the credit to her, because Burton seemed to have no idea how to make this film consistently funny, choosing convoluted plot construction over good, clean laughs. When Barnabas says, "Gather the horses!" and Pfeiffer says, "We don't have horses. We have a Chevy," shouldn't that cue the driving lessons montage? It would be playing it safe, but I could have gotten behind it because at least it would be playing at all.
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